Tuesday, March 24, 2009

How Did I Get Here?

I must admit that I was inspired by my niece's blog so I researched ways I could get my own. (I am a librarian after all and research and finding things are job requirements!) I found this FREE blog so off I go.....

No this isn't a blog entry about my birth nor does it have anything to do with sex education. It's about that question we all ask ourselves occasionally and as we grow older, much more frequently. It has to do with the increasingly rapid passage of time. I swear that days were so much longer when I was a child. Summer days, longer still. They went on lazily for hours and hours. Bedtime came so late and the next day was ripe with new discoveries and adventures. I even remember being bored and admitting it within earshot of my mother. What a mistake! That was sure to bring lots of suggestions about what I could do around the house. Was she kidding? I think she was just smart and knew a sure-fire way to stop the whining. I have a suspicion that this was something passed down to her by HER mother!

But now the days run by as though they're on a marathon race. One day just doesn't seem to last 24 hours anymore. Could it be in part due to that 7 p.m. nap that catches up with me almost every day? Honestly, I try to stay awake for those later shows but it's tough unless I catch a little shut-eye prior to 8 p.m. And as I get older I find that I have so many more interests and not enough time to give each of those precious "children" their needed attention. If I want to work on any of my art or writing, I find that this takes place late at night. It's not that I have children to put to bed but rather late night is when my housemate is in bed and the animals have settled in for the evening. My time. A bona fide night owl. That 7 p.m. nap really helps.

I've been thinking a lot about my age, how much of my life has already passed me by, how quickly the time goes (it really does!) and how where I am in my life is not at all what I envisioned at 22 or 33 or 44 or..... you get the picture. How did I get to where I am today?

I had planned on becoming a teacher, finding a wonderful man, getting married, having children, raising a family etc. The dream about having children began to fade in my 30's, more so in my 40's and believe it or not, I finally came to terms with it in my early 50's. I was going to hang onto that dream for dear life. I still grieve that loss but have also made peace with the unfolding of my life thus far. At age 61 I am not at all where I thought and hoped I'd be. I have no children, have never been married and currently live with my younger sister. I haven't given up on a relationship with a male yet. I just mentioned to a friend the other day that I still want to be somebody's "sweetie" some day. So my ideal age for that to happen continues to get bumped up. Why not? I have the rest of my life.

I must admit that I grieve the loss of a young person's experience of a loving relationship with a man and even wonder whether a version of that dream will find me in this lifetime. Being the proverbial optimist (and one of the more tenacious people you'll meet), I hold on to some of my hopes and dreams by modifying them to fit my life now. I once made a mug that said simply "There is Always Hope." I guess you could say that's been my m.o. for most of my life. It's gotten me through some really tough times in my life and sustains me on a daily basis. Thank God for hope!

If I'm really honest with myself I don't know that I ever really looked at where I'd be at 61. By that age, my father had already died and my mother seemed incredibly old. This age just creeped up as I lived my life and followed dreams I hadn't even imagined. So here I am sitting in the middle of my studio/office/..... writing a blog. Never was in my plans. Nor was silversmithing, springboard diving, swimming laps (my God I was terrified of the water until I was in my late 30's!), developing a jewelry business, moving into the healing areas of Cranial Sacral Therapy and teaching people how to create beautiful things. None of this was a part of my vision. It just happened as I began to allow myself to try new things and found that I loved all of them. Now there's isn't enough time in each day. I need longer days and a longer life to even get close to making a dent in my "bucket list." Next up, a trip to see the Northern Lights or a trip out to the backyard to feed my feathered friends who rely on me. It's all good. Every minute of this life.