Sitting here in the family room wondering where my holiday cheer has gone. People all around me are madly writing cards, trimming trees, baking cookies and buying gifts. In our house it seems that Scrooge has taken up residence in a mildly annoying way. There are no real "humbugs" being flung about. Rather the spirit of Christmas that we carried with us most of our lives seems to be missing this year.
I live with my younger sister and beginning a few years ago, her penchant for a live tree began to wane. Then the decorating fell to my wishes and initiative. So far we have only outdoor lights up thanks mostly to my goddaughter's urging and help. No tree has arrived nor have the indoor decorations appeared. I talk about getting a tree only to be met with "I really don't cares" or "if you want tos." When did the Christmas spirit begin to disappear?
We say it's because we're older and have less energy and love for all the hoopla. While some of that is true, it feels as though the holiday has taken on a negative and despressive quality for us. Is it the commercialism of the holiday? The fact that we both have very little money this year? The search for the joy of Christmases past seems to elude us lately. I myself just mentioned that I'm looking forward to snow, cold and the beginning of winter in earnest. What? Who said that? I love spring and summer but there is something about the quietness of January and after the holidays that entices me this year. I am becoming more attracted to the quietness of life and cherish the time to stay inside and go inside myself for a rest.
The fall has been overbusy for me.....massage school, more training in Craniosacral Therapy and what I have termed as my last art show. I am finding less joy in creating my jewelry since the art show and have not done much more for the gallery than take in my show leftovers. A few new pieces but not my usual flurry. I think that's the part of jewelry creation that I will not miss. The pressure to produce for a particular time. I am instead looking forward to spending more time in my massage office with its quiet, soothing music, fountain and an oppotunity to create a relaxing and healing atmosphere for someone else. That's where I want to be these days. In a healing space. For me and for others.
Perhaps a Christmas tree will make an appearance in our house this year. I'd like a small one that could be easily decorated and enjoyed. Even a fresh wreath would be lovely for the smell. In the next few days I expect something will happen to jolt me into the holiday maelstrom. And my hope is that my spirit will lead the way.
Today as I began my Christmas cards, I listened to two different versions of Handel's Messiah and decided that I was now a Sopralto. What happened to my voice? When did it change? Time continues to move much more quickly than I would like and I lose track of the changes that have occurred in me. I am acutely aware of my physical changes. Today I had another appointment with the hip surgeon who is still not willing to do replacement surgery. I am grateful that he remains conservative. It gives me hope and helps me trust and believe that I don't have to be as disabled as I sometimes feel. Hope....it's a wonderful thing and the message that I want to remember during this season.
It's not the presents, cookies or decorations that I want to focus on but rather the hope that is offered to us all during this season. The promise of a new year to begin again and a quiet time that nature provides for us to do this. For that I am extremely grateful.
Wishing everyone exactly the kind of holiday season they would most wish for. Hoping you will make it so.
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