Sitting here in the family room wondering where my holiday cheer has gone. People all around me are madly writing cards, trimming trees, baking cookies and buying gifts. In our house it seems that Scrooge has taken up residence in a mildly annoying way. There are no real "humbugs" being flung about. Rather the spirit of Christmas that we carried with us most of our lives seems to be missing this year.
I live with my younger sister and beginning a few years ago, her penchant for a live tree began to wane. Then the decorating fell to my wishes and initiative. So far we have only outdoor lights up thanks mostly to my goddaughter's urging and help. No tree has arrived nor have the indoor decorations appeared. I talk about getting a tree only to be met with "I really don't cares" or "if you want tos." When did the Christmas spirit begin to disappear?
We say it's because we're older and have less energy and love for all the hoopla. While some of that is true, it feels as though the holiday has taken on a negative and despressive quality for us. Is it the commercialism of the holiday? The fact that we both have very little money this year? The search for the joy of Christmases past seems to elude us lately. I myself just mentioned that I'm looking forward to snow, cold and the beginning of winter in earnest. What? Who said that? I love spring and summer but there is something about the quietness of January and after the holidays that entices me this year. I am becoming more attracted to the quietness of life and cherish the time to stay inside and go inside myself for a rest.
The fall has been overbusy for me.....massage school, more training in Craniosacral Therapy and what I have termed as my last art show. I am finding less joy in creating my jewelry since the art show and have not done much more for the gallery than take in my show leftovers. A few new pieces but not my usual flurry. I think that's the part of jewelry creation that I will not miss. The pressure to produce for a particular time. I am instead looking forward to spending more time in my massage office with its quiet, soothing music, fountain and an oppotunity to create a relaxing and healing atmosphere for someone else. That's where I want to be these days. In a healing space. For me and for others.
Perhaps a Christmas tree will make an appearance in our house this year. I'd like a small one that could be easily decorated and enjoyed. Even a fresh wreath would be lovely for the smell. In the next few days I expect something will happen to jolt me into the holiday maelstrom. And my hope is that my spirit will lead the way.
Today as I began my Christmas cards, I listened to two different versions of Handel's Messiah and decided that I was now a Sopralto. What happened to my voice? When did it change? Time continues to move much more quickly than I would like and I lose track of the changes that have occurred in me. I am acutely aware of my physical changes. Today I had another appointment with the hip surgeon who is still not willing to do replacement surgery. I am grateful that he remains conservative. It gives me hope and helps me trust and believe that I don't have to be as disabled as I sometimes feel. Hope....it's a wonderful thing and the message that I want to remember during this season.
It's not the presents, cookies or decorations that I want to focus on but rather the hope that is offered to us all during this season. The promise of a new year to begin again and a quiet time that nature provides for us to do this. For that I am extremely grateful.
Wishing everyone exactly the kind of holiday season they would most wish for. Hoping you will make it so.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
How Did I Get Here?
I must admit that I was inspired by my niece's blog so I researched ways I could get my own. (I am a librarian after all and research and finding things are job requirements!) I found this FREE blog so off I go.....
No this isn't a blog entry about my birth nor does it have anything to do with sex education. It's about that question we all ask ourselves occasionally and as we grow older, much more frequently. It has to do with the increasingly rapid passage of time. I swear that days were so much longer when I was a child. Summer days, longer still. They went on lazily for hours and hours. Bedtime came so late and the next day was ripe with new discoveries and adventures. I even remember being bored and admitting it within earshot of my mother. What a mistake! That was sure to bring lots of suggestions about what I could do around the house. Was she kidding? I think she was just smart and knew a sure-fire way to stop the whining. I have a suspicion that this was something passed down to her by HER mother!
But now the days run by as though they're on a marathon race. One day just doesn't seem to last 24 hours anymore. Could it be in part due to that 7 p.m. nap that catches up with me almost every day? Honestly, I try to stay awake for those later shows but it's tough unless I catch a little shut-eye prior to 8 p.m. And as I get older I find that I have so many more interests and not enough time to give each of those precious "children" their needed attention. If I want to work on any of my art or writing, I find that this takes place late at night. It's not that I have children to put to bed but rather late night is when my housemate is in bed and the animals have settled in for the evening. My time. A bona fide night owl. That 7 p.m. nap really helps.
I've been thinking a lot about my age, how much of my life has already passed me by, how quickly the time goes (it really does!) and how where I am in my life is not at all what I envisioned at 22 or 33 or 44 or..... you get the picture. How did I get to where I am today?
I had planned on becoming a teacher, finding a wonderful man, getting married, having children, raising a family etc. The dream about having children began to fade in my 30's, more so in my 40's and believe it or not, I finally came to terms with it in my early 50's. I was going to hang onto that dream for dear life. I still grieve that loss but have also made peace with the unfolding of my life thus far. At age 61 I am not at all where I thought and hoped I'd be. I have no children, have never been married and currently live with my younger sister. I haven't given up on a relationship with a male yet. I just mentioned to a friend the other day that I still want to be somebody's "sweetie" some day. So my ideal age for that to happen continues to get bumped up. Why not? I have the rest of my life.
I must admit that I grieve the loss of a young person's experience of a loving relationship with a man and even wonder whether a version of that dream will find me in this lifetime. Being the proverbial optimist (and one of the more tenacious people you'll meet), I hold on to some of my hopes and dreams by modifying them to fit my life now. I once made a mug that said simply "There is Always Hope." I guess you could say that's been my m.o. for most of my life. It's gotten me through some really tough times in my life and sustains me on a daily basis. Thank God for hope!
If I'm really honest with myself I don't know that I ever really looked at where I'd be at 61. By that age, my father had already died and my mother seemed incredibly old. This age just creeped up as I lived my life and followed dreams I hadn't even imagined. So here I am sitting in the middle of my studio/office/..... writing a blog. Never was in my plans. Nor was silversmithing, springboard diving, swimming laps (my God I was terrified of the water until I was in my late 30's!), developing a jewelry business, moving into the healing areas of Cranial Sacral Therapy and teaching people how to create beautiful things. None of this was a part of my vision. It just happened as I began to allow myself to try new things and found that I loved all of them. Now there's isn't enough time in each day. I need longer days and a longer life to even get close to making a dent in my "bucket list." Next up, a trip to see the Northern Lights or a trip out to the backyard to feed my feathered friends who rely on me. It's all good. Every minute of this life.
No this isn't a blog entry about my birth nor does it have anything to do with sex education. It's about that question we all ask ourselves occasionally and as we grow older, much more frequently. It has to do with the increasingly rapid passage of time. I swear that days were so much longer when I was a child. Summer days, longer still. They went on lazily for hours and hours. Bedtime came so late and the next day was ripe with new discoveries and adventures. I even remember being bored and admitting it within earshot of my mother. What a mistake! That was sure to bring lots of suggestions about what I could do around the house. Was she kidding? I think she was just smart and knew a sure-fire way to stop the whining. I have a suspicion that this was something passed down to her by HER mother!
But now the days run by as though they're on a marathon race. One day just doesn't seem to last 24 hours anymore. Could it be in part due to that 7 p.m. nap that catches up with me almost every day? Honestly, I try to stay awake for those later shows but it's tough unless I catch a little shut-eye prior to 8 p.m. And as I get older I find that I have so many more interests and not enough time to give each of those precious "children" their needed attention. If I want to work on any of my art or writing, I find that this takes place late at night. It's not that I have children to put to bed but rather late night is when my housemate is in bed and the animals have settled in for the evening. My time. A bona fide night owl. That 7 p.m. nap really helps.
I've been thinking a lot about my age, how much of my life has already passed me by, how quickly the time goes (it really does!) and how where I am in my life is not at all what I envisioned at 22 or 33 or 44 or..... you get the picture. How did I get to where I am today?
I had planned on becoming a teacher, finding a wonderful man, getting married, having children, raising a family etc. The dream about having children began to fade in my 30's, more so in my 40's and believe it or not, I finally came to terms with it in my early 50's. I was going to hang onto that dream for dear life. I still grieve that loss but have also made peace with the unfolding of my life thus far. At age 61 I am not at all where I thought and hoped I'd be. I have no children, have never been married and currently live with my younger sister. I haven't given up on a relationship with a male yet. I just mentioned to a friend the other day that I still want to be somebody's "sweetie" some day. So my ideal age for that to happen continues to get bumped up. Why not? I have the rest of my life.
I must admit that I grieve the loss of a young person's experience of a loving relationship with a man and even wonder whether a version of that dream will find me in this lifetime. Being the proverbial optimist (and one of the more tenacious people you'll meet), I hold on to some of my hopes and dreams by modifying them to fit my life now. I once made a mug that said simply "There is Always Hope." I guess you could say that's been my m.o. for most of my life. It's gotten me through some really tough times in my life and sustains me on a daily basis. Thank God for hope!
If I'm really honest with myself I don't know that I ever really looked at where I'd be at 61. By that age, my father had already died and my mother seemed incredibly old. This age just creeped up as I lived my life and followed dreams I hadn't even imagined. So here I am sitting in the middle of my studio/office/..... writing a blog. Never was in my plans. Nor was silversmithing, springboard diving, swimming laps (my God I was terrified of the water until I was in my late 30's!), developing a jewelry business, moving into the healing areas of Cranial Sacral Therapy and teaching people how to create beautiful things. None of this was a part of my vision. It just happened as I began to allow myself to try new things and found that I loved all of them. Now there's isn't enough time in each day. I need longer days and a longer life to even get close to making a dent in my "bucket list." Next up, a trip to see the Northern Lights or a trip out to the backyard to feed my feathered friends who rely on me. It's all good. Every minute of this life.
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